Twilight
by ludic drunk at a soiree
Summary: As Artemis goes through the library to see what books had been added during his absence, he notices some of the fiction Butler has grown attatched to while he was away.Fluff, post TLC. XD sorry if it's kinda wordy- it's my first fic, enjoy?


As Butler had told Artemis when he came back from the past, Minerva had gotten him reading fiction. At first, Butler had been hesitant, he had never been one who read for enjoyment- he had always instead spent his time trying to figure out how he was to do the hardest job of his life, protecting Artemis Fowl II. But little by little, starting with the classics, Minerva gently forced Butler with no mercy to start reading so that they would have more to discuss other than Artemis (Minerva loved stories about him dearly, but when one has eidetic memory, not even to help console Butler would Minerva listen to the same story six times in a row). So as Butler had little else to do for two and a half years, he read. Whenever Minerva came to visit she would bring piles of books and go through her own critiquing of each plot and each character, suggesting a certain book over the other. And Butler read them all, sucked into the vortex known as fiction that Minerva had thrust him into.

It had only been a few weeks since Artemis Fowl had returned home and settled any _matters_ that had arisen from his disappearance. He decided he deserved a well deserved break and secluded himself in the manor's library to evaluate all the books that had added themselves during his absence. This was when he came across something peculiar. He had known that large amount of fiction had made their home there because of Butler's new hobby, however these books looked like something a teenaged girl might read. After a glance at the blurb, Artemis felt something he rarely felt- confusion. To perhaps disprove his initial conclusion, he read the first book in the supposed series. It took a whole fifteen minutes, two of which were spent wondering how so many grammatical errors could have passed an editor and eight of which were spent on trying to understand the appeal of the book. (The cover had proudly proclaimed that it was a best-seller). He looked at the title again, _Twilight._ It might seem very unlikely, but Artemis Fowl had finally come across something he could not comprehend. Why was something like this in _his_ library? Even if it was Minerva's doing (Even the most intelligent of people were hormonal at this age, he should know), Butler would have certainly discarded it. Such unpleasant things had no place Artemis' proximity. He gathered all the books of the repulsive collection and proceeded to move them into the fireplace when he was interrupted by a rather alarmed Butler.

"Is something the matter?"

"Artemis… what do you plan on doing to those books?"

"I assumed that they had been overlooked and am on my way to exterminate the vile things-"Artemis was shocked as Butler snatched the books from him and took a moment to process what had just taken place. Could it have been that Butler had been the one to bring those books into the manor?

"It's just that these books aren't that bad…"

"_What_ are you thinking? Those things should have never been printed. All the characters are over-glorified and the plot is shallower than a puddle in the desert. Not to mention there were uncountable grammatical errors and in all honesty, overall, it was annoying." There was a pause as Artemis was trying to think of how many more ways he could belittle the books without reusing adjectives and Butler was trying to think of how to answer in a masculine way.

"If Twilight bothers you so much, I'll just keep them in my room. That should be fine, right?"

"Very well, however I cannot fathom why you would read such awful-"

"I already said I would get them out of your sight, let it alone, Artemis." If a man the size of a mountain could scurry, that is what Butler did.

Artemis was miffed from being cut off by Butler not once, but twice, and over a badly written book of fictional vampires that sparkled. Despite Butler's request to keep the books and his assumption that Artemis would allow it, which he would have, Artemis was irked enough by the incident to give Minerva a call over his laptop. Minerva's face showed up on his screen, her gold curls bouncing and her blue eyes bright.

"Artemis, what a lovely surprise, and very well timed too. I was about to call so that I could talk with Butler."

"That is actually the reason I called. It seems to me that as you are responsible for introducing him to fiction, that you should also be responsible for his unsightly attachment to a particularly hateful series of books. I believe they were written by one Stephanie Meyer-"

"Artemis! How could you? Twilight is a masterpiece! It has some flaws, of course, but the story and characters are fascinating. The relationship between Edward and Bella is absolutely indestructible. Even the supporting characters are all marvelous. The entirety of how wonderful this story is cannot be contained in one book. This was why I myself was planning to call; I was just informed of the release date for the next book… Don't give me that condescending look! If this conversation is not to your liking, then you should not have initiated it. Good day!" And with that, a flushed Minerva hung up on Artemis. He had been cut off by two different people in one day. This had to be a new record for him. Again miffed, he wondered where he could find someone who had not been infected with this epidemic. (After a little research on the web, Artemis had discovered that the majority of the world had accomplished the impossible task falling in love with…_Twilight_. He even thought the title with disdain.) Then he realized if everyone on the planet was tainted, then he would just have to look under the planet. It was pathetic, but he needed to consult someone who wasn't polluted.

"Yes Commander, I understand there are more important events taking place in Haven than a conversation with me, but I have come across something beyond my ken." Foaly was looking interested, an irate Kelp was tapping his foot while Holly seemed amused that Artemis had finally found something that stumped him. They had all come to see the rare call to the LEP from the boy genius. "There seems to be an epidemic going around, not in the literal sense, but… well there is this series of books that are doubtlessly atrocious. Yet, everyone I have talked to seems to be raving about it."

"Who cares, d'arvit. You should go back to your little mud boy world and leave us alone. This isn't important."

"I've already told you that I understand that, Commander."

"But poor little Artemis just couldn't _stand_ having something that doesn't he doesn't understand. And so he has to call his friends under the earth to make sense of a work of fiction." Artemis hoped his look said something along the lines of '_Shut up, Holly_' and would stop her snickering.

"Artemis, what exactly is this book you're making a fuss about?"

"Most people seem to call it the 'Twilight Series" which I think is about as original as…" Artemis stopped as he saw that his audience had exchanged sheepish looks with one another.

"It's kind of hard to say, now that we've heard your opinion…but it is terribly romantic and Caballine loves it too." Both Holly and the new Commander just nodded in agreement, Holly even blushed a little, seemingly embarrassed to be caught. "Twilight is also one of the few series we even bother translating into gnomish, most people who want to read mud man literature have to stick it through a translator… but Twilight is so popular that we sell hard copies in gnomish." Artemis was appalled. He quickly apologized for needlessly consuming time, ended the call and sat alone in his study.

_I should have expected this. If one has a problem of this nature, and as bizarre as this, it was bound to turn out that he or she would have no supporters. Even Holly, who has only been back as long as I have, has been entranced. People really are ignorant if they think that this Meyer woman has made a work of art. I'll bet the only other person than me who hasn't fallen under this spell is Mulch, but he doesn't read anyways. This is incomprehensibly frustrating; it is as if the population of Earth is blinded by this, this thing. So oblivious, they're like victims who don't even know it. In fact, they probably can't even save themselves. Maybe this is another case of the world in need of saving by Artemis Fowl II. Now all I have to do is get the world hooked on better literature than the atrocity it seems to be addicted to. I'll focus my next Violet Tsirblou novel on vampires, that must be the key!_


End file.
